by Dr. Renair Amin (she/they)| Relationship Wellness Expert
The moment that I truly realized that I had become sexually liberated, I was elated. I felt powerful. Excited. And ready. I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not contain how I felt. I had finally broken away from the dogma of religion. I had healed mental barriers which had emerged from a sexual assault and released myself from the labels of my sexual identity. My confidence was emerging like a geyser from the depths of the earth. Energetically, I felt like I could run up the side of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs: “I am sexually free…and forty-five years old!”
It was only a few days after my forty-fifth birthday when I was sitting alone reflecting about life, love and a pandemic that had changed my entire perspective in life. I had realized that it was less than a year since I had been wheeled out of the operating room after a rather complicated hysterectomy which resulted in me receiving five bags of donated blood and two bags of plasma. Since the surgery, I had slowly been making changes in my life but in that moment, I made a conscious decision to heal the things that had been holding me back.
Several months after my birthday, I noticed things were changing for me. It seemed as if the months of working on some deep soul wounds had given me a gift – confidence. I had triumphed through many things, except for a most painful trauma that had affected me psychologically and sexually.
Since an assault at the age of twelve, sex had become an obligation; just something to do. It was also a mechanism for me to feel like I mattered. Growing up, I intentionally set out to gain the skills of pleasing others so that I did not have to think about how unpleasant I was feeling inside. Engrained deep inside me was shame and worthlessness. I was great at hiding my pain and would bask in rave reviews that I received from my intimate partners. But, deep inside something was missing. Truthfully, a lot was missing.
There were the times that I would orgasm and feel the satisfaction of pleasure, but it was fleeting. I had convinced myself that my body was only an end to a means. I was always searching for something more.
After the hysterectomy, my worthless feelings got worse. I kept telling myself that I was broken like an old toy that no longer worked. My body began to hormonally and physically change. Between the hot flashes and the increased difficulty in reaching a climax, I had resolved that I probably would never feel pleasure the same, which turned out to be the truth. At first, I was angry, but it forced me to look at my views regarding aging and how I truly saw myself. That introspective period turned out to be just what I needed to break through one of the greatest barriers in my mind. That was the key that opened Pandora's box and what came out was much more powerful than I could have imagined.
I don’t know which came first – if I felt more confident because of the healing and spiritual path that I was on, or vice versa. All I know is one day this new energy started flowing through me and my whole perspective started to change. Like a revolution, a sexual vibration awakened inside of me that altered the way sex, as well as sexuality, showed up. Sex was no longer a tool to feel, it was an expression which bellowed out from my soul and released a new rhythm into my life.
Now, when I look into the mirror, I look into the eyes of a god[dess]. My gender-fluid essence is no longer boxed into society’s definition of who I should be and how I need to be it. Most of all, my concept of getting older, coupled with my post-surgery fears, have been assuaged. My personal evolution has given me a new understanding of sex and allowed me to merge that freshness with a newfound confidence. The bottom line is I feel sex-y.
Everything about me is just different. My desires. My wants. My needs. All have changed. Now, you may find me, early in the morning, speaking affirmations and reminding myself of my true power. Or you may catch me late at night touching my body and turning into my own greatest lover. Either way, one thing is for sure: if you listen closely, you can hear me screaming out my freedom, whether echoing from the top of a mountain, or into the ears of my lover, as they revel in how sex-y “I” am.