Tuesday Q&A

Tuesday Q&A

Every Tuesday, Ignacio answers questions about handling the challenging moments of survivorship, healing, and child rearing in a culture of shame and secrecy around sexual violence. Ignacio emphasizes relationship building with children as the foundation of holistic sexuality education, and encourages caregivers to prioritize trust and vulnerability.

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I am a survivor of CSA and have rape fantasies and a rape kink.

By Ignacio | September 14, 2020
Donate Content Warning: Rape. Dear Ignacio, I’ve started the process of healing from my molestation back when I was seven (it happened multiple times). Something I can’t wrap my head around is that I have a rape kink. I’ve acted out scenarios with a consenting partner and I read/watch rape fantasies (I go to trusted sources of taboo scenes and make sure the videos are faked). I’ve never rapebaited, but I have thought about it. With so many friends who are also victims of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA), I’m worried about my fantasies becoming public. Is it wrong of me…

My parenting partner and I are survivors and don’t agree on how to protect our daughter from predators.

By Ignacio | September 8, 2020
Donate Dear Ignacio, my parenting partner and I are both survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA). He wants to monitor and spy on our daughter’s social media and personal accounts to ‘protect’ her. I want to have open conversations about predators and risks in these spaces. Our child is 13 and I want her to make her own decisions and start to build faith in her #intuition while knowing I’m here. How do we resolve this? Thank you for bringing up an issue that frequently comes up for parents, even when they are not both #survivors. It is normal to…

I have foggy memories of incestual sex acts as a child and want to be accountable.

By Ignacio | August 25, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, a few years ago I got #flashbacks of me as a kid being sexually abused. One of the flashbacks was of me as a child performing a sex act on another kid. The memory is so foggy I’m not sure when or why this was happening. But, I know it was inappropriate and #incestual. I am truly horrified that I hurt someone else the way I had been hurt. I am not an #abuser and I try to stress #consent all the time. I talked to the person that was involved, and they said they have no…

My mother is depressed and suicidal after learning about my sexual abuse

By Ignacio | August 18, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, when I was a teenager my step brother sexually abused me for years. My step brother would threaten me that if I ever told anyone, he would hurt my younger sister. So I never told anyone until three decades later, in therapy. I also decided to tell my mom. But since she heard about it, she has been extremely depressed and suicidal. She is blaming herself for sticking her head in the sand when I was being abused. To be honest, I also #blame her. She was an #alcoholic and ignored all the signs, almost willingly. But…

I suspect one of my brothers is sexually abusing our youngest one.

By Ignacio | August 11, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, I am the older brother of two other brothers: a 25-year-old and an 11-year-old. A few years ago, I became suspicious that the 25yo was touching our youngest brother in his private parts. Since then my suspicions have grown as my little brother has been acting weird and obedient towards the 25yo brother. I don’t live near them anymore, and our parents are clueless and too closed-up to ever bring this up. How can I help my brother?”  It is jarring to become suspicious of a family member and having to decide what to do about it.…

During age play, I had a flashback to potential sexual abuse by an older neighbor.

By Ignacio | August 4, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, I have been doing sex work to support my family for years. Recently, a client wanted to do age play, where I was supposed to act like a small child. I agreed to this as I had done some similar stuff before. But this time, in the middle of the scene, I had vague flashbacks to my childhood and an older neighbor. The flashbacks left me extremely unsettled. I have no clear memories as this was around when I was 4-5, but I remember sometimes sitting on this neighbor’s lap and feeling something hard under his pants.…

I am about to become a father and am sexually attracted to children

By Ignacio | July 28, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, this is something that I have carried lots of shame around for most of my life. Since I was a teenager, I’ve been sexually attracted to those younger than myself. I wasn’t sexually active until later in life, but my interest and fantasies in younger people has slowly extended from teenagers to younger children. To be clear, I have never acted on these feelings. I am writing because my wife is now pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. She is aware of some of my fantasies, but doesn’t know I also think about younger children.…

My adopted son survived CSA and is curious about sex.

By Ignacio | July 21, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, my partner and I adopted our child when he was four. At that time, we were told that our child had been a victim of CSA while in foster care. They didn’t give us many details and we have largely been avoiding the issue as we doubt he can remember anything. Our child is now 8 years old and has started to get curious about #bodies. A couple of times, he even made some comments that made me wonder if he already knows too much about sex. We are unsure how much we could or should consider…

I am a survivor of incest by my father who financially supports me.

By Ignacio | July 7, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, I am a survivor of CSA and incest by my father. When I first came to terms with it in college, I tried confronting my father but he acted like I was crazy. We never spoke of it again. My father is a powerful man with much wealth. Over the years, he has been financially supporting me, especially as I have suffered from mental health challenges and #addiction. Part of me feels like he feels guilty and is trying to make up for what he did. I have spent years in #therapy and tried all kinds of…

My boss makes comments about young girls at camp.

By Ignacio | June 30, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, before COVID, I was working at an outdoor education camp for children around ages 7-13. On multiple occasions, I ran into my boss making inappropriate comments about some of the older girls who had reached puberty. I also caught him staring at young girls in a creepy way. I have no evidence of wrongdoing beyond this, but when I talked with other staff, there were some people in agreement. As a survivor of CSA myself, I know I am hypersensitive around this kind of behavior. I also keep doubting myself whether I am making a big deal…

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