Tuesday Q&A

Tuesday Q&A

Every Tuesday, Ignacio answers questions about handling the challenging moments of survivorship, healing, and child rearing in a culture of shame and secrecy around sexual violence. Ignacio emphasizes relationship building with children as the foundation of holistic sexuality education, and encourages caregivers to prioritize trust and vulnerability.

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My boss makes comments about young girls at camp.

By Ignacio | June 30, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, before COVID, I was working at an outdoor education camp for children around ages 7-13. On multiple occasions, I ran into my boss making inappropriate comments about some of the older girls who had reached puberty. I also caught him staring at young girls in a creepy way. I have no evidence of wrongdoing beyond this, but when I talked with other staff, there were some people in agreement. As a survivor of CSA myself, I know I am hypersensitive around this kind of behavior. I also keep doubting myself whether I am making a big deal…

I am struggling with the guilt of letting my harm-doer go free.

By Ignacio | June 23, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, two years ago after much soul searching and many #therapy sessions, I confronted my piano instructor for molesting me for years as a #teenager. She was not receptive to my confrontation and accused me of “having enjoyed it” as a “horny teenage boy.” At the time, I did not have the capacity to push back and left the issue. Since then, I keep thinking about the fact that she is still out there with other teenagers. Coming to terms with what happened and then getting gaslighted by her has been hard enough. I don’t know if I…

My Black teenager wants to go to protests.

By Ignacio | June 2, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, like yourself and many other Black families, my family and I, are once again heartbroken and frustrated with everything that is happening in this country. I have a teenage daughter who has been rightly outraged, and she wants to participate in the protests. We’re all trying to figure this out as a family. She’s been dating a white boy her age, who has been encouraging her to go out despite my concerns. I am deeply conflicted as I don’t think my daughter or her boyfriend understand the risks involved, even COVID stuff aside. My daughter WILL be…

My 14yo daughter has chlamydia and I am furious.

By Ignacio | May 26, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, I recently found out that my 14 year old daughter has chlamydia. She told us last week that she needed a doctor’s visit and after the test was positive, she confessed that she had been fooling around with a boy from school. I am so furious at her for so many reasons. She was not allowed to be mingling with other kids, let alone have sex with them. She not only risked her own health and pregnancy, but also exposed the whole family to coronavirus by disobeying social distancing rules. Her mother and I are extremely disappointed…

My fiancee was sexually assaulted as a teen.

By Ignacio | May 19, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, my fiancee recently disclosed in couple’s therapy that she was sexually assaulted as a teenager. This came up in the context of #intimacy issues that we were having. I feel really bad for her and want to help, but she shuts down every time the topic of sex comes up, let alone talking further about the incident. I want to be supportive of her #healing, but I think every time I approach the topic she feels that it’s about me wanting to have sex. I don’t know how to have her trust me and my intentions.” It’s…

I am a new mom and paranoid about my baby and sexual abuse.

By Ignacio | May 12, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, I am a new mom with a 2 months old son. During the last few months of my pregnancy, I found out that my brother was sexually abused by a family friend when he was a little kid. The event shook me (and our family) and we’ve all been struggling with it. Since the birth of our son, I have been super paranoid. I feel that I can’t and shouldn’t leave him with anyone, and sometimes even worry about my partner. My partner is sympathetic to my anxieties, but I am worried that it is only getting…

My older daughter is whispering and playing with herself.

By Ignacio | May 5, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, I have two young daughters, 8 and 5. They sometimes bathe together with either me or my partner’s supervision. The other day, I left them alone for a few minutes as they were playing in the tub. When I returned I saw that my older daughter was whispering while playing with her #genitals. She stopped talking as soon as she saw me and started giggling. I playfully asked what she was saying, and she responded dismissively. I am getting paranoid about what my 8yo might be telling my 5yo, and am not sure how to approach either…

My mom scolded my daughter for touching herself.

By Ignacio | April 28, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, My daughter and I came to visit my mom in another state and extended our stay because of covid-19. My mom only gets to see my 10-year-old daughter 2-3 times a year and she’s never been around her much. The other day, I was in a different room and heard her scolding my daughter. When I got to the scene I realized my daughter had been playing around in her pants and my mom walked in on her. From what I heard, my mom was telling her how proper ladies would not do that, and that if…

My father-in-law rough houses my kids.

By Ignacio | April 21, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, my husband’s father has come to live with us during the lockdown. With him around my young children all the time, I am noticing how he likes to constantly interact with them and get physical. My kids are being polite but I can tell he sometimes makes them uncomfortable. I even saw him once manhandle my 5-year-old daughter in a way that made me cringe. How do I handle this?” Thank you for sharing your concern. First off, I want you to think about what is stopping you from speaking up about your children’s obvious discomfort. Can…

My teen is dating an older woman and my husband likes it.

By Ignacio | April 14, 2020
Donate “Dear Ignacio, My husband gleefully confided in me that he overheard our son having video sex with his older girlfriend. I didn’t know the two of them were sexual yet, and I really disliked the way my husband was excited about our son being sexual at 16, with an older woman. I wonder how he would have reacted if we had a 16-year-old daughter. Am I overreacting?”  First of all, thank you for reaching out even though you’re teetering on the idea that you are “overreacting.” Any alarms, or flags that go up for caregivers, pertaining to our kids,…

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